Post 12

 Are you there Satan? It's me, Morganne.

Well, I think I'll just start off where I ended last night. So, here goes nothing.

It's still crazy to me, because that wasn't the first incident you decided to ruin for me in a 24-hour time span. You destroyed my morning yesterday as well, but that's another story for another day and time. My babies and I had planned this weekend, plans with him. Now you're not only affecting and controlling my life, while I stay silent, and try and completely cover up and hide his every move, praying once again that God will help me keep it all a big secret, knowing exactly how my babies and my mom will react to him relapsing so soon after being released from 10 months incarcerated. I have to sit here and hide him in the bathroom for hours on end, or suddenly shove him in my car, driving away like a bat out of hell, with no note, no explanation, and no reasoning for our exit once I return, when he can hold his head up straight. I wish you understood the kind of stress this puts me under. I am walking on eggshells constantly, scared to death every time he goes in the bathroom for longer than 45 seconds, already making a plan a-g on what I 'll do if my kids get home from school, or when my mom wakes up, or when one of them come down the stairs, so that I'm 100% prepared for the best or the worst. 

You see Satan, times have changed. My youngest son knows. There's no lying or pretending our way out of it anymore. He is too brilliant for his own good, and his beautiful innocent heart is shattered. Jc promised him. He swore on his life he would never touch this drug again, for the rest of Julian Jordon's existence.  He didn't make it three months. He didn't make it one month after he was released. He swore on that little baby's heartbeat, and well, kids take things like that seriously, and he is devastated. The sad part for me, is that I don't even think he's sorry. I really don't think he cares in the slightest. I feel as if he's almost relieved, as sick as this sounds. He no longer has to hide his addiction and can continue getting higher than a kite now that Julian Jordon knows. It doesn't matter to Jc. It doesn't register to him that this is WRONG. It makes my stomach physically ill thinking that it's possible, but in my heart, I know he doesn't. 

My anxiety is off the Rictor scale, knowing the right thing to do is discuss these things with hi, when he is back to normal, but I already know what those discussions bring. They bring ugly, crazy, and even more stress than I have prior to the talk.  They bring a sense of uncontrollable emotions, where I feel as if I'm forcing this person to care about the things he once obsessed over. Things that were important to both of us, and not just me. I am fighting a war I may never win. What if I'm forcing something that will never return to his original state of mind. What if he never wants what I want, ever again? What if it's too late, and things have just gone too far? What if he's never back to normal again? Things like this are racing through my every thought, and I can't make it stop. 

I hope, Satan, that you are very pleased with your performance last night. My nerves are shot, my babies are devastated, and confused, and angry, and disappointed, and the three of us are going to bed, upstairs, for the second night in a row, while Jc sleeps downstairs, alone. And that, makes me sad. He has been away from us for so long, and he is already unwanted upstairs to sleep. Because of heroin. Because of you. Thank you, Satan, for destroying my fairytale future, so soon. All of our plans we talked about and dreamed about, while he was locked up, are just shattering, one by one, one shot at a time. 

I know how this story goes. I remember it all too well. It's so predictable. It only goes down from here. At least that's the story I remember. I'm ending this conversation here. 

Tonight, along with last night, I consider you the trophy holder, Satan. You win both nights. I am defeated, and I am exhausted, with no plan b, or c. And since you know me, you know that is out of my character. I am a Virgo. I always have a plan b, and a plan c. 

Morganne Devney