Post 13

 Are you there Satan? It's me, Morganne.

Just wanted to stop in to show my gratitude somehow, for how smooth you've been here lately. Like the slimy, heartless, and vicious snake you are. Thank you for making him choose, whether he keeps his family, including my babies, OUR babies, and myself, or you. This is starting to really hurt my feelings, and I need you to back off before he keeps withering away from society, from reality, and away from me. I can't imagine how great you feel, from your point of view, and never ever getting second place with him or anyone for that matter. It must feel incredible, Satan, knowing the impact you have, and the rank you pull around here, and around MILLIONS of other's homes, like my own. Indiana is just infested, and I mean that in NO disrespectful manner. It RIPS MY HEART OUT, and I swear to GOD, I would give my own life, in order to save each and every one of them, from causing their families and themselves even one more ounce of heartache, the way you cause mine, and the way you cause me. People worship the ground you "walk" on. 

Do you know that when he came home, within 14 days, every single person in our lives prior to him being incarcerated, all of our FRIENDS, had each already asked him if he was "f'ing around" anymore, or if he wanted "to try some fire slow"? Each of them was fully aware that he was just locked away in a cage, for almost a year, away from me, and away from our family, for 10 months, and they are asking him if he wants to get high, after 14 days of freedom. It's simply incredible. It's disgusting, and I cannot handle it for a single second longer. I wanted to crawl through the phone from the other side and claw their faces off. Do you know, because of you, my whole world is once again flipped lopsided upside down? I have been absolutely DEVASTATED over the last couple of days over this relapse, an utter basketcase this morning, begging him to not fall in the trap again, and not to let you in, and to be strong, hysterical, on my hands and knees, PLEADING to him, and would you like to know what his response was to that kind of emotion? 

The day he left me, November 19, 2020, around noon, I remember thinking in my head that there wasn't a single chance that anything had EVER hurt, the way my heart did, at that second. I remember thinking, I understand how individual's physically die of a broken heart. It all made sense to me. I suddenly forgot how to think. I forgot how to function. I forgot how to survive. I was in an absolute manic state, who just wanted the other piece to her every day process to come back home, and pretend like it never happened. But it didn't work that way, Satan. You made sure of that. My heart had never felt that type of pain, and abandonment. I was so angry, at him, and myself. How in the world did we let it get that bad? Better yet, how did we let ourselves get caught up that way, and get caught slipping by people like bounty hunters, from Johnson County, making SUPER over the top performances, out of their jurisdiction, JUST to find him, (need I remind you, over an F6 warrant he had, in another county, for a failure to go to rehab case, IN CASE YOU WERE THINKING FOR A SECOND THAT THIS WAS OVER SOME HUGE CRIMINAL CASE, it absolutely wasn't. But, that's for another day. 

The point of telling you my sad and sloppy story, was this... Satan, would you like to know what mister Jt's reaction, response, follow up statements and concerns, after hearing his girlfriend LITERALLY falling apart on the other end of the phone, as if someone were ripping her heart out of her chest with their bare hands? HA! Hope you're sitting down... SATAN, he still chose you. I was still second place. I was still second priority. I still didn't matter. My devastated children, whom just witnessed this entire arrest go down before school, in absolute shock and impossible sadness, they didn't matter either. Do you grasp what I'm saying? 100%? Satan, this grown individual was panting and crying over the other end of the telephone, and it was NOT over me. Not even kind of. IT was you. It was always you. I didn't stand a chance in the runnings. YOU ARE STILL THE ONE HE WAS CRYING OVER, TRYING TO PICTURE HIM AND HIS LIFE WITHOUT YOU IN IT, AND WITHOUT THAT FREAKING NEEDLE. He saw his life as obliterated, all because of you. While I lay on my son's bedroom floor, staring at the ceiling, for HOURS on end, begging God to have mercy on my soul, and to please let me rest my eyes, because they hurt so bad from crying, and exhaustion. He wasn't losing sleep out of missing me. He wasn't tossing and turning miserably because he felt like he couldn't breathe without me laying there with him, like we had every single night, since the very day we met, almost 365 days down the road. He wasn't hyperventilating trying to drive, and make sense of life without him in it, turning insomnia to sleeping 18 hours a day for five days solid. IT was YOU he was stressing over, crying over, panting over. It was you he lost sleep over. I was never a faint memory in his cloudy and addicted brain. You were. It's disgusting now, it was disgusting then. 

I need to stop for a little bit. I will pick back up where I left off in a couple of hours, when I can catch my breath again, and relax enough to type. 

Please leave me alone for a few hours. PLEASE. 

Morganne