Post 17
Are you there Satan? It's me, Morganne.
Well, JC's still super sick. But I appreciate you showing your condolences and all, without fail, regardless of how long he's been in the bathroom for one day. Today he chose you. Not that I thought he'd ever NOT choose you or anything, but I just wanted to allow you to take your bow for the day, since he did put you in front of someone else, per the usual. I couldn't take the nod for a single second longer, so I calmly and soft-spoken said "JC, I told you, two years ago, I will never date a heroin addict again Not because I'm judging you or because I don't love you, I'm just finally different. I'm different."
Satan, I told him this too... I said:
"I cannot allow someone who is ducked out/slumped over more than 40% of the day and night, to be an everyday view and everyday normalcy for two little boys, watching your every move, good and bad. They're supposed to be learning the ropes of becoming men, from you. They are supposed to be watching you, so they know how to treat a woman and not to treat a woman. They are supposed to be "taking notes" on what to do when someone comes at them the wrong way, how to stick up for themselves, how to SAY NO TO DRUGS, and temptations, how to deal with their first break ups, how to deal with their first relationships, what to do and what not to do when girls tempt them with sexual insinuations, and what to do in the worst case scenario situations. What hustling the right way is all about, and what to fall for and what not to fall for. They're supposed to be learning street smarts, from YOU. The way to never get stood on, always stay on top, and never let their guard down even when it seems okay. You have to teach them how to survive, and how to survive through the good bad and the ugly, and even how to get through rock bottom. YOU ARE THEIR ROLE MODEL. Not me, not my mom, not my sister. YOU. And right now? I don't think you are capable of teaching them a single solid one of those things. These are things that are detrimental to my children's futures, and you are the most influential person in their life and upbringing, and I'm just not sure you are capable of this sort of job. My heart almost cannot bear it. But it's the truth."
I'm afraid of him. I'm scared of the extremes he's so fearlessly capable of achieving. I'm terrified thinking he may have no limit, and if he's angry enough or hyped up enough, in my heart, I think he has the anger and quick irrational responses, to, well, don't make me say it out loud, please. We both know it's true. Julian Jordon, my 11-year-old son, doesn't want to leave my side during our big fights, and cries every single time I have to "take him to his mom's", with all of his things packed, at the front door, and starts going crazy begging me to come with me. I think he just knows...
I'm tired for this morning, Satan. I'll explain my last few comments and go into further detail in my next update, okay? Try and show my babies just a little less horror before school today. I know they would really appreciate that.
(God, Please let my morning go just a little smoother than last. For my baby's sake. Amen)
Morganne.
