Post 5
Are you there Satan? It's me, Morganne.
Do you want to know what I'm most afraid of? More than the dark, more than the dentist, and even more than my dad? I'm talking about the kind of scary that makes your stomach turn, makes your hands kind of sweaty, and almost makes your skin crawl? The type of scary that is far more severe than mice and mosquitos, more than bees and cockroaches, and even more frightening than water bugs that fly straight for your head intentionally, in the most inconvenient times. Above all other fears, I am so fortunate to have, I think I'm most petrified of the unknown. The last four years of my life have been life-altering, proving just how thick-skinned I really am, in yet the fear of the unknown still makes me nauseated. Let's just try and let it sink in for just a second.
Sit there, set a timer for 45 seconds, and just picture it, as you see it. The unknown. What is the unknown to you? What does it mean? Is it scary? Maybe for you, it's exciting? Or motivating? Maybe it makes you want to be a better person, or grow up faster? Maybe it makes you want to create a time machine to allow time to stand still, that way you never have to endure such tragedy or distress. Maybe the unknown will be the greatest years of your life, and you don't even know it yet. For me, it's nauseating. As I sit and imagine it for myself, the stranger my thoughts and imagination become, the more bizarre my "potential" plans for the future become, and the more afraid and confused my brain is as a whole. It makes my anxiety rise through the roof, and my blood pressure skyrockets almost instantly. I can physically feel the systolic pressure rise, inside my body, as the diastolic isn't too far behind. My heartbeat is rapid, and my pulse is pounding through my skin, and out into the universe. My mind starts to wander so far off base, soaring through different planets and moons, my feet lightyears from home, while my heart is lifetimes away from plane earth.
Typically, I'm the "suspense is killing me" kind of female, always perfecting any and everything around me, analyzing each plan and agenda in store for that day. I'm the girl who plans to make other plans, making sure everyone around me has a plan as well. My head is always dialed in wholeheartedly, remaining focused on the bigger picture, sometimes forgetting about the now, unfortunately, protecting what's mine, forming mile-thick guards around mine and my children's hearts, where no one would even dare to try to distract us from "the yellow brick road", or even attempting to persuade us to stray from the track we are currently on now. That's because my kids deserve better than this life, and this lifestyle. I have come to an agreement with myself, Rylon, and Julian Jordon, after a long discussion on whether I was strong enough to follow through with everything, and if I was strong enough to overcome even the biggest of beasts, alone. It petrifies me, forcing me into these absurd and awkward psychotic breaks, that are beyond my control. It's embarrassing, to say the least. I know that's what makes me sling back into manic bipolar episodes/meltdowns, being a liar about specific unnecessary subjects, and having anxiety so bad that all four limbs are shaking uncontrollably.
It's the fear of not knowing what is in store for me tomorrow. I hate not knowing. I'm a Virgo to a fault, and I mean it. I am the spitting image of a Virgo and am proud of that label. I am someone who demands answers, right now, no questions asked. I like organization and planning. I like long lists of x,y, & z, with bullet points for each letter. I like things color coordinated, and my totes to match in my storage unit, so I know exactly what is in each one, easily. I'm the most scatterbrained organized basketcase you'll ever meet. Just know one thing, bravery isn't something that is rewarded overnight. It isn't something that is given as a hand-me-down item, or something you can inherit because you have money, fame, or the right last name. Bravery, is something you learn, on your own two feet. It is something earned. Bravery, true bravery, is only given to humans by a higher power, in my eyes, and sometimes it takes years to find it. I believe with every ounce of my soul that I would never have found the type of bravery bestowed deep inside of my own body and mind, if I didn't hit rock bottom, twice, in that time period. Rock bottom isn't fun for anyone. It is scary, belittling, lonely, and educational. I am living proof that rock bottom can change people, and you can make the best out of what once seemed to be the very worst. I am living proof that even when the whole universe has its back toward you, and you're crawling on your hands and knees back to safety, alone, if you dig down deep enough, the ultimate dark zone, inside of you, you will find just enough bravery and strength to make it out. Don't let the world and its opinions cease your journey. Just keep on moving, because your future is on the line, and so is your life as a whole.
Like Sylvester Stallone says in Over the Top, "The world meets no one halfway. When you want something, you have to take it."
always a pleasure, (not),
Morganne
