Post 2 (a poem I wrote)

(A poem/letter I wrote to God, about my current situation.)

When He's Jekyll, I Hyde

What am I doing, God? Are you still up there? Where should I turn? Sometimes, I sit back and wonder, how I let all of this get so out of hand, it's chaotic, entirely out of control, it's not comprehendible, it's super intense. 

The words that are used towards me, straight to my face, the phrases used to beat me down, God they're inhumane. I'd prefer being stabbed in the chest. I can't understand it anymore, I just know it's unfair, it makes absolutely no sense. 

My lightning-speed reactions to one false move would make an outsider's stomach turn, the way it does mine. I'm not sure how its even possible, for someone so weak, to be this mentally strong, nowadays, brave enough that I hardly even wince. 

After the first time, my head hit the wall, my body and mind have programmed themselves to be cautious, its disturbing, I know, trust me. Please, God, watch over my soul, for I'm not sure it's ever recovered. It's fearful, and frustrating, who am I actually trying to convince?

God, I swear I live with Jekyll and Hyde, except it's worse, I promise he puts them to shame. These characters are a PG version of the one he becomes, when it's dark, God it's scary, he turns gray, I'm honestly unsure as to which one of them I fear more. 

It's all about the pitch change, it's all about remembering sounds, the pace he walks, the tones, the volume, and even the silences, over time, I've learned to be quiet and listen, because I can guess which one he is at that time, by the sound of the slam of a door. 

I can only fathom how pathetic I must sound, God, am I seriously this far gone? Are you saying people aren't always like this? So timid? It's not normal? Girls don't typically tiptoe around while their person is sleeping, heart dropping and petrified, once they stop hearing the snore?

God, it's only a matter of time before my heart completely ices over, the good memories I had with him, with us, they keep escaping my brain, they're fading, it's turning black, the past, God, will they ever come back, if one day my heart decides to completely restore?

It's beyond terrifying, I'd wish it upon no one. An uneasy experience? That's an understatement, when he turns? I know in my heart, God, he's so unaware, consciously, of the pitch-black color that consumes and takes over his eyes.

Even on the worst days, God, when things get super dark, even then I promise you, I can still hold my own, I'm still standing, and now actually cold enough to subconsciously shut everything inside of me down, it's no longer a front or some sort of disguise.

God, there are moments I wonder, when it's all over, will he care? Either of them? Will he even flinch? Will he even notice I'm gone? Will he miss me, God? Will it even matter to them, once my heart gives up entirely, what if my heart really dies?

The manic rages get worse, zero to one hundred in the blink of an eye, the anger just continues to escalate, out of my hands, while the venom willed words start to settle in, it's that empty vicious monster, I can't help but despise. 

My poor tired brain just continues to spin, replaying the moment on that highway, over and over, and over again, I swear to you God, it won't leave me alone. I can still feel the aggression, the fury, and the back of his hand, coming straight across my seat as his clammy knuckles struck me on the right half of my face. 

I was mortified, appalled, furious beyond belief, confused, where no one could ever understand what I felt, not for one second, I don't let people stand on me that way, I can physically feel my blood boiling just thinking about it, my brain wont stop. It just stays running in place. 

I comprehend I'll never win this, God, and that's because he doesn't fight fair, this is no average he said she said war, that I'm up against, don't you get that? Should I let quitting be an option? Keep pushing? Give in? Give up? For my sanity? Maybe both Jekyll and Hyde need some space.  

Sometimes it hurts so bad, constantly asking you, God, why me? Why now? Will it stop? Cant you just make it stop, for me? Please, it's too much for one person. The weight is almost too heavy for me to carry, if it weren't for those two babies breathing, I'd prefer the answer to all my tribulations be suited, and booted, and laced. 

God there are incidents where the words feel like they're disintegrating through my thick stubborn skin, it's awful, it's changing me. And I think I now understand how someone just throws in the towel, and I think I understand how a broken heart could cause one to die. 

I sit back and watch, trying to listen, consistently gathering all the family pieces to the puzzle, hearing how he speak of others, and to others, with such animosity, such hatred, so spiteful, and vengeful, it honestly helps me in a sense, I stop asking myself why. 

It sickens me to think that no one hearts my pain from the other side, not even my own, she stopped asking, she stopped worrying, she doesn't wonder anymore, she just knows, and my kids, how they feel about it, they stopped noticing, that's on me, they've accepted it, I've forced that on them, they stopped questioning me, even when I cry. 

Will it ever be anyone's fault but mine? Will he ever accept a single solid thing he's said or done? For verbally attacking me and my babies? Right wrong or indifferent, it's like second nature, I do and say nothing, I think I'm more angry on the inside of my petty lack of strength, if I put him in his place today, God where would we lie? 

It's crazy to think that once upon a time, this monster I speak of never called me out of my name, not once. He wouldn't dare hurt me on purpose, or my sweet babies, I find it insane. Is it completely absurd to think that my Superman's just lost right now, God? Maybe my Superman just misplaced his cape. 

God sometimes when it escalates, louder and angrier, unbearable decibels, so predictable, covering my ears, only gets meaner, more vulgar, it feels like I'm suffocating underneath my own skin, why can't you help me? When it gets so evil, I need someone, it feels like there's never a possible path of escape. 

Does he really not have a heartbeat inside? Is it gone? Frozen solid? Can I fix it? Can anyone? Is it worth hurting so badly, torturing the two that mean most to me? Does he know what he'll miss out on,, if we leave him behind, and move on? I'm starting to lose grip. Does his selfish and hateful stone solid head even know what's at stake? 

Some situations are simple, some require a little extra push and shove, some I'm able to negotiate with him a little, but here lately God, even the small are absolutely out of control, I promise you, Lord, I'm breaking, and I don't do that. I'm not weak, not ever, but even for me, it's a lot, please someone hear me, and help me. Somehow. I'm not sure how much more weight I can take. 

 I love you. I do. More than the sun and the moon. 

You saw me when I was nothing, when I meant nothing to no one. I was empty, invisible, you sacrificed it all for me, anything and everything. 

I love you, even on your darkest hour, honest, I promise. I do. Both Jekyll and Hyde, I'll keep trying, maybe one more time. Like you did it for me, I'll do it for you.

Love, Morganne ❤