Post 18
Are you there Satan? It's me, Morganne.
You know, sometimes I think the old "Santa Claus" saying is actually somewhat true. I remember watching it as a kid, and the little Elf says "Seeing isn't believing, believing is seeing. Just because you don't see him, doesn't mean he isn't real." Just because Julian Jordon doesn't watch him hurt me physically, doesn't mean that he believes he doesn't do it. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to discover something that apparent. Satan, my 11-year-old is starting to distance himself from him. I can feel the tension through the walls. It's physically painful for me to watch. It rips my heart out of my chest from the inside out.
After finally sticking up for myself, I'm sure you could guess what his reaction to this was. I mean, for a split second I thought I saw a tiny little glimpse of hope, when he put his head down for a second, in the middle of me explaining how devastated the boys have been lately... until he wasn't looking down anymore. It was almost like a spark went off inside his head, telling him it wasn't okay for him to feel guilty or bad, and that spark has never died since that day. NOT ONCE. Try and guess what his kind, understanding, humble, level-headed, open-minded, mouth said to me, in the middle of my closing line.... I'll wait.... his exact words, and I QUOTE:
"This isn't my f*cking fault morganne. Maybe if you'd stop running your f*cking mouth non-stop, and stopped being a dumb b*tch all the time, you wouldn't get treated that way. You deserve everything you get because you're so f*cking stupid. And if you run your stupid a*s mouth again, I'm gonna end up knocking your f*cking head off, so try me. You'll get knocked out. I f*cking hate you."
YIKES. Let that sink in. There are no words. NOT ONE. I don't even know how to respond to this whatsoever. Absolutely speechless. I almost started laughing, in hopes that he was kidding. I feel as if I could see the fumes coming out of his ears at this point, and knew there was no comedy in this situation, AT ALL. Was I supposed to have a response, Satan? I just kept thinking Ashton Kutcher was about to jump out of the bushes, telling me I'd been punk'd or something, but that clearly was not the case. He still didn't back down.
The problem is, all of this anger, demented responses, and absurdly aggressive rebuttals, all boil down to one common denominator, can you by chance guess what that source is? YOU, and Heroin. These "episodes" occur every time he gets high, approximately 45 minutes after he does a shot, like clockwork. It reminds me of the Family Matters episode where Steve Urkel transforms into Stefan, except substitutes Stefan, for someone like, Michael Myers. Again, YIKES. If you can only imagine something this terrifying, welcome to my world.
I'm just so confused, about all of these violent and aggressive remarks, I keep telling you about. Two years ago, this gentle giant wouldn't have dared grab my hand too aggressively. He would've jumped into oncoming traffic, so my shoes didn't get muddy while I walked across the street. He would've gone to Thailand so I'd have the correct brand of gummy worms if that's what it took to make me happy. He would have climbed Mount Everest with all 14 of my bags, in shorts, if that meant me never feeling an ounce of stress, heartache, agony, or pain. He would have taken six life sentences if that meant saving me from serving three hours in jail. And because of you, that pathetic wicked needle, and heroin, I now live with a scary, unpredictable, unstable, aggressive, bullying, demeaning, hateful, vengeful, selfish, spiteful, evil, schizophrenic, institutionalized, stranger, threatening to destroy my belongings, end my life, beat the crap out of me, wreck my car, and the list only goes on and gets worse.
I'm finished today. I cannot write another word, it's making me nauseated.
Until next time Satan,
Morganne
